Optimism vs Pessimism.

My other half and I can never be optimistic at the same time. We seem to take it in turns to be the optimist and the pessimist, or as I like to think of it “the excited one and the grounded realistic one”. At this moment in time it is my fiancé’s turn to be the excited optimist, whilst it is my turn to be the grounded realistic pessimist. And thus I present the reason for this posting.

For about a week I’ve been nauseous. I’ll be hungry one moment then I’ll smell something and feel the nausea bubbling up my throat. Never will I be sick, just feel like I am about to be. The smell of Peanut Butter (one of my favourite edible vices) sets off my heaving, the smell of our dog is making me nauseous (though in all fairness he does need a bath), the taste of yoghurt is just horrid and my usual hot chocolate treat just tastes like sugar water and I then proceed to make those familiar heaving sounds after just one sip. My back hurts, I’m tired, emotional and just generally not feeling great. My OH is ridiculously excited. It’s his turn to be the optimistic one and so in keeping with this role he is sure I’m pregnant. Every little thing is a sign to him that we did it, we made a baby, we may not know what will happen, but we did it. I on the other hand, am not so optimistic. I am firm in my believe I am not pregnant. I can’t be. We have only just recently decided we would try for a baby. With our track record of bad health that just keeps getting worse, job troubles and a few miscarriages we can’t be this lucky. We can’t have conceived within our first months of trying. No one is that lucky and we are certainly not that lucky! No. I must have a stomach bug and just be tired/emotional coz my period was due couple of days ago. PMS can account for tiredness, mood swings and cravings. Right? Am I being blind or just pessimistic for the sake of it being my turn?

Tomorrow is T-Day. Test Day. Whilst E is excited and firm in his belief that it will just bring confirmation of what he, well, believes is true, I am more nervous it will just lead to disappointment as it comes to light that I was right. Now E has said that it doesn’t matter if I’m not pregnant as that way we get to have more sex and enjoy trying. He would say that though wouldn’t he, it’s his turn to be the optimist! It’s too quick to be having all of this. Isn’t it? Or is it just proof of how scared I really am about everything? I don’t want to have to go through lots more miscarriages. I can’t. I want to be the optimist. I want us both to be excited about this. So what is holding me back?! Apart from this nausea!


weet/Blog ya soon x


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