Guilt.

I am praying to get my period this month. If that sentence makes you uncomfortable then you should probably stop reading as this post is not about to get any less personal! We are trying for a baby and I want to get my period this month. Confused? Welcome to my world!

I would love to have children. I’ve always wanted to have children. I flittered between Actress, Poet, Singer, English Teacher, Archaeologist, Primary School Teacher, Writer, Teaching Assistant and (much later on) a Sex Therapist as things I wanted to be when I grew up but having children was a constant. It’s always been my non-negotiable. Marriage and children, the two things in life I’ve always known I wanted to have. For the first time in my life I am with someone that makes me think “OK I don’t just want to have children, I want to have children with you, I want you to be the father of my children”. That’s an extraordinary thing going from I just want kids to I want kids with this person only and can’t imagine anyone else being the father of them.

We were dealt a huge blow about 8 months into mine and E’s relationship. Not just usual Epilepsy hiccups that pop up, this was about having children. At that point we were told it may not be advisable for us to have children. This being Doctor talk for “I don’t think you should do it” so we decided to go see a Pre-Conception Nurse. We weren’t ready at that point to have children we just knew we loved each other and wanted to prepare ourselves for the future before we went any further with the relationship. The Pre-Conception Counselling went pretty much the same way, uncontrolled seizures (not responding to medication at the time but my Doctor thought it could just be a phase, hah we know better now) may make it difficult, should really talk it through, effects meds have on baby in the womb, have more pre-conception counselling, tell consultant about plans to have children, during pregnancy seizures may increase though this wouldn’t harm baby it would be tiring for me with added pressure of pregnancy etc etc. I felt emotional. E looked a little overwhelmed with the information. I honestly felt a bit like we were being scared off. As a result we packed the “baby talk” into a little box and agreed not to talk about it again until time is right because dwelling on it wasn’t going to help us.

Fast forward a year. I had a check up with my Epilepsy Consultant and he confirmed that my Epilepsy is not like any he nor his colleagues had seen before. I’m just going to put that into context. I see a Consultant who has been named as one of (if not the) top Epilepsy Specialist in Europe. People travel from all over the UK and Europe to come see him in the Walton Centre for Neurology. He has done research for Epilepsy Action, he travels to London as a guest consultant, he has won awards and dedicates his life to Epilepsy. For him to turn round and say that my Epilepsy has him baffled as well as his fellow top Epilepsy Specialists, is mind blowing! Before I left my appointment that day my Consultant said something really powerful. I was told that as my brain does not act in the way Epilepsy brains normally do and I have people baffled that I should live life and do certain things before I was told I shouldn’t do them as they weren’t sure how my body would handle hormone changes . Then I got a knowing smile.

This leads me back to the start of this blog post. I’ve digressed, it was all relevant but nonetheless I did, so back to my period, my late period. Anyway as all of the above ramblings hopefully show we have not had a straight forward time in regards to having/planning to have children. This isn’t even the full story, we’ve been back and forth between “yes you can have a baby it will be fine, may need extra monitoring but it is safe” to “no, you should never be pregnant, it would be very bad for you and any baby you may carry” so many times I’ve actually lost count. So we took the Consultant’s advise and are living life, trying to create a new one. We are actively trying to conceive. So if I’m so desperate for a baby why am I praying for my period this month? Good question. I did maths. I did my ovulation maths and I did approximate due date maths. If I am pregnant our baby would be due the same month as our wedding. September this year, that’s 2014 in case you forgot. I have no qualms about being pregnant on my wedding day in fact I think it could be quite nice knowing our future little one was there with us in a way. I do fret when it would mean the baby is due that month as that is a lot of extra pressure/stress we could honestly do without. Not just about the logistics of baby being born early and on wedding day but also money. My parents are paying for our venue and photographer, E’s mum is making a generous contribution and family friends are coming out the woodwork to offer their professional services at a huge discount! My mum is actually giving up having a 50th Birthday party so we could get married that month instead. We would be under a lot of pressure if our baby was due then. Not just trying to keep them in until after the wedding, praying they don’t make an appearance that very day but trying not to stress over things as stress increases my risk of seizure and being vastly pregnant, seizurey and tired would not be a nice combination!

So, yes, I am praying for my period not because we don’t really want a baby but because these next 8 months aren’t exactly a time that will be stress free. This is probably coming across as insanely selfish. Seemingly choosing our wedding over a baby. It’s not just me who thinks we probably should have thought of this before doing the baby making dance this past month, E is having the same thoughts. Typical of us, getting caught up in the excitement of it all though! I’m becoming E do now, think later! I do want to add that IF I am pregnant we will of course be happy and we will continue with the pregnancy. We are very aware that we would be very lucky to have conceived especially as this would only be our second month of official trying. Any child we have will be loved no matter what sacrifices we may have to make. I’ll just stand at the top of the aisle, with my waters breaking screaming to marry us already so I can be a married woman when I have our child!

This will be the only time you will read about me wishing I wasn’t pregnant. I don’t mind being a pregnant bride. I don’t mind being a “young” mum. I don’t mind being a pregnant lady with Epilepsy. Any child we have, as cheesy as this may sound, will be a blessing. This is why, in all honesty I do feel guilty for wanting my period to come. I want a marriage and a baby, does it really matter if they both happen at once?

Tweet/Blog ya soon x

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