I took a HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) a few days after writing my last blog post as my period still hadn’t shown up. The test was negative. It’s funny, I thought I’d be grateful for a BFN (Big Fat Negative) this month and yet I still felt so disappointed.
The absence of a second line can really be heartbreaking even if you knew it would be better for it not to be there. Goes to show when you are TTC (Trying To Conceive, look at me I’m practically acronym fluent) that even if you know logistically it would be better for a negative this month that you never are fully committed to that. Sod logistics, after all plans can change!
Fast forward another couple of days and my body is not acting in a normal way. What I thought was the start of my period, was, well, not. I’ve had all my usual period signs, cramps, need for a constant supply of crisps and PMT. I’ve just not had what would be a normal period for me. I’ve had an abnormal flow, shall we say, not quite blood or the usual colour. I guess it’s more spotting than anything else. My stomach cramps have gone but my boobs have felt, well, I have no idea how to describe it, itchy would be the nearest adjective I could think of that comes close and I feel bloated as hell. So of course that has lead my mind to go into thinking overdrive. Could it be implantation bleeding? What if it is just a light period? What if that test was wrong? What if I’ve got my dates wrong? Ahhhh shut up brain it’s obviously just pre-period bleeding and the real heavy flow will come along soon, won’t it?!
I put my brave pants on after a day of doubt and overthinking. I decided to open up to my fiancé about it, after all this was his baby battle too. This then lead to the most graphic and uncomfortable conversation with my other half about my period or lack of. I say it was uncomfortable, what I mean is I was mortified to be talking about period flow, colour etc with him. E didn’t bat a single eyelid or pull any faces and acted like it was the most normal thing in the world to talk about, which didn’t actually make me feel anymore comfortable! I hold my hands up and admit I do not want to repeat this ordeal, him buying tampons for me is one thing, talking about the finer details of my period is just very weird for me. Anyway, after this, the most awkward conversation of my life (yes I may be over exaggerating..but only a little bit…maybe) we both came to the conclusion that taking another HPT couldn’t hurt. After all they can supposedly be used from the day your period is due. So I peed on the stick and waited my five minutes. After what seemed forever, my test provided yet another negative result. Of course the optimist in me is questioning it with things like it could just be too early to test, there isn’t enough hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, the hormone pregnancy tests pick up on) in my body to show up yet or maybe it is implantation bleeding but it’s too soon after implantation for the body to be providing the hormone? The pessimist in me is of course telling me to stop clinging to false hope and that two negative test results can’t be wrong, can they?!
I’m now on day 5 of no period/sporadic tiny bits of blood and I have no idea what to think. The thing with trying to conceive is that your head never fully switches off. When you are actively trying for a baby everything is a sign of pregnancy. If this was anyone else I would probably say wait another week or two then test again or even go to a doctor. But this is me and I just don’t know. It’s hard not to overthink or stress about it, especially as stress is one of my epilepsy triggers. I’m lucky in that I haven’t had a Tonic Clonic seizure in a while but my Absence seizures and Myo-Clonic jerk seizures are still daily. My Myo-Clonic seizures have actually got a lot more frequent and violent in nature, especially at night. This is something else to factor in, stress. Stress could be the cause of my increase in Myo-Clonic seizures and it can also affect menstruation with irregular periods, so could stress be the answer? If so my life is full of it. Stress of seizures. Stress of waiting and wondering when a Tonic-Clonic seizure will pop up, as let’s face it they do that. Stress of doing up the house. Stress of wedding planning. Stress of several family changes/drama. Stress of normal daily life. Not to mention the stress trying for a baby brings with it. It doesn’t matter how much you want a baby, actively trying is a stressful thing. Timing ovulation, hoping, praying, overthinking and then if you’re unlucky the negative results.
So could that really be it? Stress? Was the test right? It is a no? What should I think? What should I do?
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