I haven’t properly blogged in a while, over a month now. The truth is I have missed writing as it is my way of release but I just haven’t had the words lately, until now. This is becoming a theme with me, not blogging regularly, I apologise to anyone who does read my blog! Now back to my confidence crisis.
I have really been struggling lately. I have been overwhelmed with negative thoughts about my Epilepsy, seizures and trying to conceive. I’ve also been feeling like I don’t have “real life” people I can talk to about everything I’ve been feeling and thinking. If I mention my Epilepsy, trying to conceive or PCOS to people I get the same sort of responses i.e. how it will all be ok, I’ll be pregnant soon and that it will happen for us. Many people have responded with a story about a friend of a friend who got pregnant when they least expected it etc. surprisingly these stories aren’t actually as motivational as they are intended to be.
Recently I’ve had, what I thought was, a moment of clarity in regards to the reality of having a baby when I have such uncontrollable Epilepsy. I think this was started because I had a particularly bad Tonic Clonic seizure in the shower, whereby I knocked the plug into the bath and was unconscious underwater with the shower still on after my seizure had finished. Luckily enough I survived. Big miracle I did to be honest, I very nearly drowned. My brain went into overdrive about this and thus came the crisis of confidence. My mind raced with the notion that if we were lucky enough to have children, that people will always be worried about them. That once my OH’s paternity leave ends he will be at work worrying about our baby and if I really can look after them properly when neither of us knows if or indeed when I’ll have a seizure. People will constantly come over with the excuse of them “just passing by and thought it would be nice to stop by”. I’ve been plagued with thoughts that people will think I’m not fit to look after my own children because of unpredictable, uncontrollable horrid Epilepsy. The more I thought about it all, the more I thought that it wasn’t fair to my OH. He deserved to know his children would be safe and that their mother would always be capable. I couldn’t give him that. I can manage 2 weeks Tonic Clonic seizure free, at the most. My having a seizure wouldn’t be about me being ok anymore, it would be about the baby and if they were ok.
After a few weeks of struggling with all these thoughts, I decided to tell my OH that I didn’t think we should have children and thus we should stop trying in every way. It was a hard and tearful conversation. My OH just looked at me and said that he knew I didn’t mean it, that all new parents worry at first and that if we had a baby we would set ground rules with people to make sure I didn’t feel untrustworthy, undermined or incapable. I remained adamant. I didn’t think I could have children, not just fertility wise with all the PCOS things we are in the middle of finding out about but because of my Epilepsy. That was until a few days later.
Four days later I was sat on a sofa holding my eldest niece’s 3 month old baby brother (same mum but different dads hence why he isn’t my nephew). Baby K was an energetic, chatty little thing and my heart just melted. Time seemed to stand still as I sat there pulling faces and getting beautiful big smiles back. My OH excitedly begged for a cuddle too, he is a big softie when it comes to babies, so I handed him over. E wasn’t getting many smiles out of the bub but he looked so natural and at ease. I looked at Baby K, who gave me a huge smile, looked back at E and whispered that I wanted us to have a baby. My OH turned to me smiling, kissed me on the cheek and said that he did too. This is when I started to tear up. It is also when our niece came up to us both and declared in the subtle way children do that “You both look really good and happy with a baby. You should have one”. We looked at each other, smiled and my OH softly said into my ear that he wants to try, properly. It was the first time I have heard E say he wanted to try for a baby and actually saw genuine excitement in his eyes.
Hugging that 3 month old baby boy made me realise that a baby is so worth everything we may have to go through. The chance to have our own baby, smiling, gurgling and gripping our fingers is too great of a reward to give ups seizures, overbearing family, PCOS related tears, infertility issues, Epilepsy memory problems, all those struggles will be worth it.
I am standing up. I won’t let my Epilepsy take the chance of having children away from me. Yes, having a child whilst I have uncontrolled Epilepsy will be hard and there are risks depending on medication. If we are lucky enough to have children they will be kind, responsible and conscientious. I won’t let Epilepsy and PCOS take away the chance to know these individuals. With that in mind we will be continuing our trying to conceive journey! I am more determined now. It will be hard, seizures will be tiring and negative tests will disappoint but
I HAVE EPILEPSY, EPILEPSY DOES NOT HAVE ME!
Blog/Tweet soon x
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