I haven’t been on here for over a month, not to read comments nor to post. I thought it would be harder to write everything but honestly I’ve missed how therapeutic it is. Letting the words form on the page, leaving my head and thus meaning I don’t have to think about it all so much.
I’m still in a muddled place so this blog will be even less coherent than usual, in fact I may end up just limiting off what has troubled me so I can get to the here & now.
My internal X-Ray went without much fuss. It hurt but I just tried to focus on the fact it was necessary for the good of our future. After-all without this we couldn’t move forward on our IVF journey. A few weeks later I went for my results appointment with my fertility consultant. I had barely sat down before he asked about my fiancé & his test results. This threw me as we had, had a letter saying my OH’s tests results were normal, yet when I told my consultant this he frowned and said we needed to have him repeat his test. So the semen analysis test was repeated.
I have had a fair few seizures in the last few weeks, during one of which my engagement ring was stolen right off my finger. I have got a beautiful replacement from a very kind company & have moved on from this horrid event but it did take it’s toll on me.
On top of my Epilepsy not being as controlled as usual, we have not had a very well family on either side recently either. My fiancé’s great uncle has been diagnosed with late stage cancer and has started intensive chemotherapy. My father has been ill for many months now and has been waiting for an operation for the same amount of time and my mother has had to have her knee replacement, replaced.
A fortnight ago I had a miscarriage, I was 3 weeks along & due for an early scan just 4 days later. I visited the doctor after it had happened and he confirmed it all. My doctor believed when one of my eggs might have got knocked/disturbed during my X-ray as typically I do not actually ovulate due to the many cysts on my ovaries one of the many horrible things about PCOS. I was also told this wasn’t because of my Epilepsy or anything internal but simply because my body was struggling with the amount of stress I am under. I think he said this to council me. To reassure that as it wasn’t a fully natural (in that the egg was only there due to my ovaries being knocked) pregnancy that I could not get my hopes up too much about it happening again and that if we succeeded with IVF it wouldn’t necessarily end in this way. He wasn’t to be afraid my hopes were never to be raised. My parents still do not know this has happened as on the day of my miscarriage my father was having a high risk operation. We did not know if he was going to make it through that day, we still do not know how much of a success it has been for another month or so. The day I had a miscarriage was also the day my brother-in-law and his new girlfriend announced they were 12 weeks pregnant. It was the worst timing. I cried for days before I was able to make peace with it. Although I admit I am not fully over our misfortune.
Today we received a letter. This letter said that the hospital had received my OH’s test results and that if our follow up appointment was too far away we needed to make one for as soon as possible. I don’t know what this means. Last time we simply received a letter saying his fertility levels were about average. To get a letter that simply says we must make an appointment to discuss things if our appointment is not soon has me worried. Does this mean he has fertility issues too? That our trying to conceive “failures” so far haven’t just been because of my Epilepsy and PCOS?
Our wedding is just under 20 days away now too. I should be excited but instead I have an overwhelming amount of extra stress because of it. Family and friends being difficult. People changing their minds about attending. Bridal party and Groomsmen dramas. Wedding Dress delays. Gosh I wish the whole thing was here now so I could just enjoy it! So much stress over what should be an incredibly happy time.
This is all just too much for one couple. Too much stress. It probably doesn’t come across as too bad but these things have a habit of wearing you down.
Blog/Tweet soon x
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