It’s the biggest debate of them all, well ok it is the debate that starts the earliest….baby names. Even before you’re ready to have children you think of names you would like to call your future offspring. You ponder ideas and combinations of names that sound nice with your surname, your partner’s surname or even that celebrity crush’s surname. You have a list before you even know you have a list, vowing never to call your child after that person that was mean to you in school or that ex who was such a bad person you cant bear to associate your chid with that name. If you bear with all my rambling I promise I will end on some sort of point!
My husband (wow that still feels strange) and I have our list, formed over the course of our entire relationship of names that we like. If we heard or just generally liked a name we wrote it down. Once we decided we were ready to have children together and that we were fully committed to trying to conceive we started talking about names, before we found out about my PCOS and his fertility issues it was simple the only trouble we would have would be over names. Of course because we wanted to have a baby so we would, it’s that easy right? Well we were wrong in fact the simplest thing for us has been picking names, but I digress. We have a list of names, it isn’t a regular list of names that we like though, no our list is made up of a combination of first and middle names that we believe together make a beautiful name. We carefully chose these names, played around until we felt we got the perfect combination of names that went together. As a result we now have 3 full names for a boy and 4 full names for a girl. It may seem over attentive but we like it, those names are the best we could ever chose for our children, in our opinion. The names we like and think will serve them well. Plus it never hurts to be prepared, we have both known so many people who struggle with a first name or middle name as they can’t seem to find the right combinations. Though I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself when this is my own blog!
I haven’t told many people (read family/friends) about this detailed list as in all honesty, I think they would tell us we were racing ahead of ourselves or tempting fate. I don’t think we are tempting fate nor are we running before we can walk. We know we will have children we just want to try having them through IVF before we go down other routes. People often joke about choosing names as a defence mechanism or say that it’s just a new couple fantasising, but why? Why do you have to hide this? My OH and I are married, we are openly trying to conceive so naturally we have discussed names. So why do we feel the need to keep it private? Why is it embarrassing to tell people we have picked out names? Judgement. That’s what gets to me. I’ve seen it in people’s eyes when around them and their children, when they talk about schools or nursery and I say what we want for our future children. As if the fact that we don’t have children now or that we aren’t due to have any imminently makes us exempt from talking about anything baby or child related. We can’t possibly have opinions, hopes or parenting styles as we don’t have children and aren’t “anywhere near having children”.
It’s the same with baby names. That because I am not pregnant nor have we officially started our IVF yet (referral to clinic in March) we have no right to certain names. We are “being silly” if when a pregnant friend or family member says that they like a certain name and I say that it is on our list. I’ve had looks of pity as if I am delusional and I’ve had people outright tell me that because they’re pregnant they have more claim to the name then me. It hurts more than it should when people say these kind of things. Just because we are having trouble trying to conceive and are waiting upon our IVF journey to properly begin does that mean we aren’t as important?
I don’t know any of those answers. All I know is my Brother-in-law and his girlfriend are due to have a baby girl in March…on our anniversary. I’m praying so very hard they don’t use any of the names from our list. This may be selfish but I know we’ve dreamed of having children together for longer than they have actually been a couple! I probably sound jealous, which is probably because I am jealous. I, no, we have come to terms with the fact they are having an “accidental” baby whilst we have been trying for so long without stable success but if one of our names goes that would be an extra kick. I know we have a few options but that’s the thing about options is that you choose the best one at the moment. Take away some of those options and your baby may not look like they suit any of the names you have left. Is baby name stealing ok? Is it really stealing, or do they really have more claim? If someone knows you wanted a particular name but uses it anyway, is it over dramatic to be hurt?
Shakespeare wrote (in his play Romeo and Juliet) the line “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet” well to me everything is in a name. Our chosen names are so much more than names, they are symbols, the only real thing we have had control over whilst trying to conceive. To all you others trying to conceive do not let people belittle you, if you’ve chosen names you hold on to them. You keep those close and don’t let them go. They are your hopes, your dreams, your one days. They are important. The name debate is important. It’s all important along this hard fertility journey.
Blog/Tweet soon x
Please do feel free to comment on here or tweet me @HopeEpiMum