I have recently discovered that I have been self sabotaging. It’s hard to admit this to myself and I’m not even sure if admitting it will make a difference at all. This post is quite hard to write so apologies if it isn’t very well written!
I really, really want to have children. I also want to experience pregnancy.
I’ve dreamed of having children since I was a little Ninja Turtle obsessed little girl. It was the one certainty in my life. I didn’t know what to study at university. I didn’t know what job I would have or even if I could work. I didn’t know if my Epilepsy would ever be controlled. I didn’t know if I would marry a man, woman or at all. All I knew was that I wanted to have children. I wanted, I want to be a mum. Despite every month hoping that it will be the month my period doesn’t show up, it always is. I’ve given up using pregnancy tests in the 2 week wait, I just wait to see if I get my period, it’s the cheaper option! I naively still hope we may get lucky but in my heart I know the only real way I’ll get pregnant is through IVF. In 42 days we will attend the appointment where we will find out if we are being referred onto an IVF clinic.
I thought I was 100% committed to trying to conceive. I thought I’d do anything for the chance to have a baby. Yet I cannot fully stick to my IVF Diet. I eat healthily, do at least 30mins of exercise everyday until I slip up then I over-eat. After this I punish myself by eating more food and I spiral out of control. I hate myself for eating, tell myself how disgusting I am and then eat more because I am disgusting. I self sabotage. I don’t know if I slip up because I’m scared of IVF and it not working or if it’s just because I really love food. I sit myself down and start again. I work out a strictish regime that will make my goals achievable in not too long an amount of time. I feel better and start afresh, telling myself that I can redeem myself as long as I stick to it. That this will be the time I do it. Yet every time I fail. Not even my biggest wish and dream in life is enough motivation. I hate myself for that.
I have 42 days to lose 2st. I know this is not going to happen but I need to give myself a boot up my arse. I want to be able to start our IVF this year. To do that I need to lose this extra weight. These next 42 days I need to work hard and lose as much as I can. Then at the appointment I will at least be able to say I’ve tried my hardest.
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