Flip Flop.

Trying to conceive when you have fertility issues is a rollercoaster of emotions. No day seems to be unaffected. Hoping this cycle will be your time. Taking a pregnancy test only for a line to appear in the control window and for the test zone to remain clear. The sadnesses and disappointment overtaking your body, hope fading a little bit more. Add on the fact that I have to be aware of everything I eat, to lose the weight needed so we can have IVF, and I’m mixed up. Flip. Flop.

I go through phases of being positive to doing a complete u-turn and feeling like why do we even try. Our appointment is 11 days away now. In 11 days we could be told that we are going to be referred onto an IVF clinic. I was feeling really good about the likelihood of this happening. I was feeling positive and upbeat because I realised that if our local clinic stuck to the NHS 18 week policy we could be starting our first IVF cycle in July! Which would be amazing! That was until my period didn’t show up.

Despite having quite bad PCOS I rarely miss a period. I have a menstrual cycle of between 30-35 days. 30 days at the earliest and 35 days at the longest. Last week I had no signs that my period was coming so on day 30 I took an early predictor pregnancy test. It was negative. I felt crappy but hopeful that I maybe I had just tested a little bit too early. The weekend went by without any signs that I would be coming on and so I tested again today (this time with a normal test) ie day 33. It was another negative. I laughed when I saw the result. How could I be so stupid to think that we would be lucky enough to get pregnant right before an IVF referral decision? We aren’t that lucky. Now I’m even more mixed up. I feel sad and stupid that after months of staying away from pregnancy tests I let myself get caught up in the hope and fantasy of it all. At the same time I also feel like maybe, just maybe, I tested too early again and so there is still hope that we could get a positive. Is that ridiculous? I don’t want to be clinging onto this. I want to know for definite one way or another.

Our appointment is 11 days away. 11 days. I still feel full of hope and excitement about it. There is a little apprehension mixed in there but overall when I think of the appointment I’m just excited we’re one step closer to possibly having a baby that we both so want. I wish that I could let go and just believe the negative tests are the real thing. Hope may get us through but in this case it’s preventing me from really focussing on the next stage of our trying to conceive journey. Flip. Flop. Feelings.

Blog/Tweet soon x

As always please do comment on here or tweet me @HopeEpiMum

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