Before all this started I used to dream. I dreamt whilst I was still working. Before my Epilepsy interfered and I could still earn a living. Before we had to leave our first home together. Before we were engaged. Before we started trying for a baby. Before we were both diagnosed with fertility issues. I dreamt.
I dreamt I worked my way up in work. I was successful. We had enough money to save for a house, to go on weekend breaks, to spoil ourselves when we wanted. I dreamt we could buy a sofa that wasn’t second hand. That we could afford all the display cabinets and shelves we wanted.
I dreamt my Epilepsy was controlled. It didn’t impact my life. I still took medication but I was happy. I was living a more normal life than I had ever had before.
I dreamt of having a big quirky rockabilly wedding. I dreamt that we wouldn’t have to skimp, save and miss out things that we wanted for our wedding day. I dreamt we didn’t have to go for the cheap options and borrow money from family to scrape enough for the minimum. Our wedding was everything we both dreamt. I didn’t fear having a seizure, the whole day went perfectly. I dreamt I remembered every second.
I dreamt we went on honeymoon, we went on a beautiful getaway. We didn’t have to worry, we could afford to go where we wanted. We didn’t have to skip out on this bit. I dreamt we spent two weeks away from reality. It was wonderful.
I dreamt we bought a house. A beautiful new build with a big garden and kitchen. We spent ages choosing colour schemes for each room. I dreamt it was home from the moment we first looked around it. It was our dream house. Our family house.
I dreamt we had 3 children. One every 3 years. No complications from my Epilepsy medication. No fertility problems. Just beautiful babies when we wanted. I dreamt they had my husband’s beautiful eyes and my height. I dreamt that no one worried about their safety with me as their mother. I dreamt no one avoided leaving children alone with me because of my Epilepsy.
I dreamt it all.
My dreams have changed, maybe not completely but life has taken its toll on them. I’m not naive enough to dream of my Epilepsy being controlled I know that will never happen. I know my PCOS and Anxiety Disorder will never go away. I now dream that I will learn to cope with them better. I dream that we will find a nice house to rent, one we can afford that isn’t in a bad area. I dream that we will be lucky and have a successful IVF cycle that ends with us having a beautiful baby. I dream that we will own a car one day. I dream that when certain things are paid off we will be able to afford to save for future IVF so we can have a sibling for our child and if that doesn’t work I dream of using the money for adoption. I dream of a holiday to escape, even for just a week, from all of the heavy big things that affect our everyday life. I dream of an easier life for my husband and I. I dream we will have children and escape the swarm of negativity.
I dream it all.
Blog/Tweet soon x
As always please do comment on here or tweet me @HopeEpiMum