I cracked. On Saturday morning to be exact. 6dp5dt (6 days past, 5 day old embryo transfer) and I cracked. I woke up at 6AM with such bad cramps that they brought tears to my eyes. I went to the toilet for a wee and noticed the spotting. I’d had brown spotting for three days straight at this point and on that day it was heavier. This unsettled me as this is a usual sign that my period is on it’s way. I went back to bed willing sleep to come back, to distract from the pain and worry. After about an hour the thoughts had stepped up a gear. You know the thoughts, is this bad, what does this mean, is this a good sign? By 8AM I couldn’t stand it any longer. I went to the bathroom and fished out the pregnancy test that was leftover from before we started IVF. The test that my husband didn’t even know existed. If he had known about it he would have thrown it out before I could get near it. He had banned me from testing until our official test day.
I peed on the stick and waited those agonising two minutes. It was negative. I started to realise how stupid I’d been. Instead of feeling worse, I just felt numb. What had I really been expecting? It was far too early to be testing and asides that this hadn’t been been my first wee of the day so the chances of getting a BFP were so slim. I had let the two week wait get to me. I didn’t think I’d find it so hard but I realised this is the first time we have ever had a two week wait. We had never got this far before. Although my periods are irregular I always knew they were coming, but now I don’t know what my body is doing.
The rest of the day passed by with lots of chores mainly to do with us moving house. Until it was time to visit my parents’ house. My mum noticed something was off about me. She cornered me in the kitchen after I had said earlier I couldn’t talk in front of my husband. I admitted to my cramps, the spotting, tiredness and testing early. My papa walked in as my mum was hugging me. He told me I had to tell my husband but that I shouldn’t punish myself. That I had simply let my emotions take hold and that was ok, this is a huge deal for us. My Papa gave me a huge hug and said that whatever the test result was, it wasn’t reliable, it was too early to say either way. Just because a chart says today so the first say HCG is released into the body doesn’t mean it actually will be. Every body is different and will do things at different rates. With this little pep talk under my belt I felt confident enough to to tell my husband that I had broken my promise. He was disappointed in me. Which I can tell you hurts so much more than him being angry! I apologised for doing the test and then hiding it from him. He forgave me. I then told him what my papa had said to me and we moved on. Deciding to take the rest of the two week wait a day at a time.
I still don’t feel quite ready to go back to Twitter. I want to be just me for a while. Not the crazy maybe having a baby woman I feel like I’ve turned into. It’s hard trying to conceive. It’s hard to stay away from those awful pee sticks. In fact I urge you not to have any in your house during the two week wait. I hate that I did it. That I let my emotions take ahold. I don’t have strong feelings of what the outcome of this cycle will be for us. I just know I’m emotional and tired!
Blog/Tweet soon x
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