I haven’t update this blog in over a week, life got in the way of writing, more specifically moving house got in the way of writing. Then I had to wait until our internet got installed before uploading this post and well here we are. The move all went fairly smoothly and we are now onto the fun bit of unpacking all our belongings. Would be easier if we had wardrobes and more shelving units but those will come in time! I love our new home. We’ve been here for a week now and it already feels more like home than our old house of two years ever did! Bonus that the landlord is easier to deal with too! Anyway enough of my house gushing, I’ll move on to what this post is actually about now. PMA aka positive mental attitude.
Many of the folks on Twitter have been subjected to my favourite bit of advice about IVF. Celebrate every step, because every step is a milestone in this journey. I firmly believe this is the best advice that has helped me through. Every step of fertility treatment is another hurdle. Each appointment is a huge landmark in your journey that you should acknowledge and mark. Not only will it help you see the progress you’ve made so far but it helps you live in that moment. Worrying about the next step doesn’t help, in fact I think it makes everything so much more overwhelming. You got your IVF referral? Yay! Your first consult went well? Yippee! Your baseline scan went well & you’re starting a cycle today? Woohoo! You have date for egg collection? Fab news, well done! You’re having an embryo transfer? That’s amazing, congrats on getting this far! Positivity helps. Positive thinking is a god send not just during IVF but in life in general. There is a difference between positive mental attitude and running away with yourself, so please be aware of that. I am encouraging you to be positive and enjoy each moment and step as it comes. Don’t waste your life away worrying about what happens next. For now see the good.
I am not denying this isn’t possible everyday. Some days it is just too hard and that’s ok. Cry, shout, eat chocolate, drink a glass of wine, do whatever helps you let those emotions out. I know after we got our BFN just over two weeks ago, that I was a mess. I cried. I howled. I asked my grandad (a retired vicar) if he thought God intervened on everyday life and made this happen. I ate cake. I went out and got a drastic hair colour change. I told my husband that I didn’t want to do another cycle. I didn’t think I could handle the emotional turmoil of it all again. My husband then said he gives me five days to change my mind about this, fyi I made it to three! I muted some ladies on Twitter who got their BFPs (mute is where you hide people’s tweets but you’re still following them, another god send in emotional times) because it was too raw. I felt like they had taken all the luck and that was why my friends and I were getting negatives. Of course that isn’t what happens but it was how I felt. You can’t always see the positive during dark times. It takes time. I am now able to see that maybe our first cycle BFN was actually the right result. I don’t know how we could have moved if I was pregnant. There was a lot of work behind the scenes that my husband didn’t see and I think he would have been snowed under if he’d had to do it all himself. I am now also able to say that I’m happy we got to the stage we did. We made it to embryo transfer with one embryo making it to freeze. Isn’t that what we all want? We want to make it to embryo transfer and having a frostie is a bonus! We are lucky in that we have 3 NHS funded fresh cycles and I remember being told somewhere along the line that the first cycle is sometimes affectionately called the “Practise Cycle”. This is because the only way the clinic staff know how you respond is by doing a cycle! We made it all the way through our practise cycle. We know what our next fresh cycle will be like and that’s good. I will know exactly what to expect from my body side effects wise.
I know in that life can be so hard, it takes so much to be strong and stay positive. Believe me life with Epilepsy is hard enough without fertility treatment too. It has taken years and many a battle with depression and anxiety for me to be able to think positively. It isn’t easy but it does make things easier. Let yourself have down days but don’t let them rain on the rest of your sunny life. Your rainbow is out there you just have to look for it.
Blog/Tweet soon x
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