The Luckiest Unlucky Person.

This has long been a running joke in my family. They say I am the world’s luckiest unlucky person. I often win competitions I forget I’ve even entered. These prizes have ranged from a new TV to tickets to local events to most recently a Zita West fertility vitamin starter pack. I never seem to win completions that I really want to win, such as holiday ones. Still I am consistently lucky and my mum has taken to asking if I’ve won any compeitions ecah week. I however also suffer the worst luck in that worst case scenarios often are the only scenarios I experience. Nothing is straight forward or easy in my life. In that sense I am consistently unlucky.

Recently I had an interview for a Finance and Assurance Apprenticeship position. I tweeted about this so apologies to those reading this from my Twitter feed. I made it through the shortlisting to the group assessment. I then made it past the group assessment stage to the individual interview stage. Which let me tell you I was so excited about. I was so proud of myself to have made it as far as the group assessment let alone the individual interview. Unfortunately I didn’t get the position. I did think this would happen as the others who made it to individual interview stage were 18-21. I am not. I turn 25 in just over a month so it’s not exactly as though I’m a lot older but I felt they were looking for younger candidates. Turns out I was right. Lucky yet unlucky. I was however told during my “unfortunately” phone call that there was another position that had come up they would really like me to submit my application for. Lucky. After confiding in a few friends I felt that I couldn’t pass this opportunity up. After all they had asked me to apply so that must be a good sign, right?! The closing date for the job was last Friday and I was told I would hear within two weeks regarding a possible interview. Today I got an email from the company. This is what I read

I am contacting you to let you know that due to unforeseen circumstances we have now withdrawn the Administration Assistant position so will unfortunately need to cancel your interview scheduled for tomorrow. I apologise for this short notice and would encourage you to keep checking our website if any further vacancies become available as we would welcome your application.”

I was confused and angry. I hadn’t been told I had an interview let alone that it was for the next day! What if the position hadn’t have been withdrawn I would have missed an interview that I didn’t even know about?! I don’t know why the job has been withdrawn the three possible reasons I can come up with are funding issues, person currently employed isn’t leaving or they filled the position internally. I immediately emailed them back then became consumed with worry that my reply was unprofessional and snarky. Reassurances from a lovely friend and my parents have helped me see that my reply was actually just bold, but in a good way. That I was right to bring to their attention the fact that I hadn’t been made aware of an interview and it was ok that I had asked if they really meant they would like me to apply for other things or if it was just a courtesy statement. My husband said I needed to see the positives, I had once again been shortlisted and although I didn’t know it, had an interview scheduled. I still feel unlucky. I had let myself dram of what this job could have done for me. For my life. For my husband. We could have gone on honeymoon. It could have meant more freedom with childcare issues that epilepsy brings ie caring for a baby when your seizures are uncontrolled. I could be doing something for me. I would be back to doing things and feeling less lonely. I would have had money to buy myself things with. I had conjured up a new future for us. It felt right. Now I’m deflated. I don’t know how to feel. I obviously did everything right, I made it through the first leap again. This falling through was because of the company not me. So why do I feel like my world just came crashing down? Lucky to get that far, unlucky in that nothing comes of it

I’m unlucky in that our first IVF cycle failed but I’m lucky because we have one precious frozen embryo from that cycle. I’m lucky in that my seizures are stable now but unlucky in that my memory has declined dramatically. I’m lucky I’m “only” 24 and have “all the time in the world” but unlucky in that my time isn’t as long or as great as other peoples. No amount of lucky competition £20 gift vouchers or free takeaways can make up for the amount of sheer bad luck in my life. I would give the rest of my competition good luck up if it meant things would all work out. Please universe, I’m sick of being lucky with things that I have no interest in. Sure those vitamins are great but I wouldn’t have bought them, I just entered because it was free. That free KFC was nice but honestly in the grand scheme of things it didn’t matter. I want good big things to happen. I want to be that lucky person who can work, go on holiday and have children. I hate that in terms of these things I’m always unlucky.

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