So yesterday I blogged about being the luckiest unlucky person in the world. It lead to a big conversation with my husband about what I wanted from life and how at the moment I felt I was simply existing not living. I have some craft projects to do for my friend’s wedding next year,which are great distractions but I’m not actually able to start them yet as I’m waiting on supplies. I felt myself admitting that with what happened recently regarding me working I wasn’t sure of my path. We’re these signs that in fact working isn’t the path for me? Every job I’ve had hasn’t ended well. Not badly, just not great thanks to my uncontrollable degenerative Epilepsy. Maybe I’m just not meant to work? Society as a whole makes those who aren’t able to work feel eternally bad for this, like we aren’t fulfilling a purpose. We are bombarded of images telling us how we should look, feel and behave. Be skinny and work so you can buy all this stuff. That’s what is expected of us. Not working can be lonely. The majority of people do work so you don’t get to see anyone and even if you do money is often a problem.I admit I wanted that job because I feel like it would have given me more purpose and I wanted to go on a belated honeymoon. Without me working there is no way we will ever be able to go on holiday. No groupon late deals for us, we’re comfortable but not that much!
Then it twigged in my head. I wanted purpose. I have been feeling more confident about myself lately and I wanted to make that progress in other areas. I feel like I’m in limbo not aiming for anything. We had decided to wait to do our Medicated FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) until January. Which lead to me feeling like there was nothing I needed to aim for. I was told there is little preparation needed for a FET, after all the embryo is already in existence so no need to starve myself to get BMI down or take so many vitamins I rattle. I am not working nor realistically should I be. My days are passed with Twitter, laundry, Netflix, hoovering, pre-preparing meals, the occasional lunch with my mum near her office or visit to see my papa. I don’t do all the chores on one day because then I would have nothing to do the next day. With this in mind I decided to be brave and ask my husband what he thought about bringing forward our Medicated FET. In the past he has been hesitant when I have felt like this as he thinks I would be defining myself by motherhood, and that is not all of who I am. To my complete surprise, he said yes. It turns out E knows and understands exactly how I’ve been feeling as he went through a period before I knew him of feeling exactly the same, fleeing like he had no purpose and was just existing. He said he doesn’t want me to feel like that because it’s disheartening and so hard to live with. After a long discussion we decided we wanted to do the medicated FET as soon as possible, ie with my next period. We decided this not just because we desperately want a baby or how lost I have been feeling but also because it is fast approaching Autumn which inevitably makes us think about Christmas and new year. We decided we wanted to start 2016 afresh. We felt for us the best way to do this was to start the year with no treatments in the works ie no embabies (embryo babies) on ice. We want to start 2016 with a new chapter be it me pregnant or working towards a new fresh cycle. We want 2015 to be done. It’s been a hell of a year with so much happening!
So I’m very happy to share that we will be doing IVF again very soon, albeit a very different kettle of IVF fish! We have to ring the clinic on the first day of my next period (somewhere around 14th October btw) to get booked in and then I’ll start injectin around day 21. All being well our little frozen embryo will be coming womb (read home) late November or early December. I’m so excited. I maintain IVF makes you mad because I’m actually excited to be injecting myself for 6 weeks full of whoremoans (hormones to those not in the know) I mean who in their right mind would be excited about that?! Yet here I am. Excited and willing my period to arrive on time or maybe date I even wish, early. I feel like this is what I’m supposed to be doing, that this is what I really want. Job possibilities etc were a distraction from the fact that all I really want is to be a mum and unlike “fertiles” or “normals” I/we can’t do that on my/our own. Bring out the white pants and Brazil nuts because I’m making my womb hella enticing ready for our frostie embaby’s wombcoming late November/early December. I’m making my own luck or at the very least taking back a little control!
Blog/ tweet soon @hopeepimum x