I intended to write this blog yesterday on day sixteen of Buserelin, instead I got distracted and by the time I remembered I was supposed to blog I was too tired! So here we are day seventeen of Buserelin with just two days until my FET baseline scan. I’ve just finished my bleed which I’m sure my husband is thanking the universe for. Let me say PMS and drug induced fake menopause is not a combination for an emotionally stable woman! As I write this I’m pleased to say the majority of my sideffects are beginning to decrease in intensity with the exception of one, sleep distruption! In all honesty this is the one I wanted to be under control the most. I can cope with headaches as I have migraines and seizure headaches frequently, I can cope with dry mouth because it just means drinking a bit more and mood swings well, they’re par of the course of being a woman! I keep telling myself that the sideffects are proof that the FET drugs are doing what they’re supposed to and my body is reacting just as it should too.
Aside severe exhaustion (although no Tonic Clonic seizures thank goodness) I’m feeling good. I met my mum for lunch today and she asked how I was doing. I realised in that moment just how well I feel. Although I admit I had this realisation last night too, when I cried over how much I love Boba already and how blessed I feel. I have been thinking and talking as if Boba is a sure thing. There seems to be no doubt in my mind that come OTD (official test day) in December we will be greeted with a BFP. I just have an overwhelming good feeling about this cycle. I cannot explain why. This feeling is great for positive thinking. It’s also very much in keeping with the idea behind The Secret “ask, believe receive” theory. I have asked and I’m very much believing this baby is coming. I can visaulise us getting that BFP, can see Boba growing in my belly, scans, the nursery decorated and even the birth! All of this is certainly helping keep my spirits/mood up even with the dastardly sideffects. In contrast, whilst crying over how much I loved Boba last night I also voiced how maybe my positive thinking is actually harmful/dangerous. What if in all this certainty and positive thinking I don’t prepare myself for the other outcome, that horrid BFN? Won’t it be even harder hitting? Will I sink even lower? My husband and mum both agree that this isn’t worth thinking about. That the positive thinking is the most important thing. It isn’t being naive, according to them, but helping with this long hard journey. Maybe they’re right. Last night was the first time I’ve even thought about Boba not sticking around, but these thoughts haven’t stuck with me. I woke up this morning feeling just as good about this cycle. That’s what I need, positivity. I don’t remember feeling this good about ICSI #1, I felt positive but also knew that we were going in blind. It’s rare for people to get that bfp on their first cycle, or so I have found. This cycle feels different and different can be good.
What are your views? Should I try to reel in my positivity? Is this overwhelming sense that this is the cycle, naive? Stupid? What would you do?
Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum x