Once again this is a backdated blog, written before we announced our BFP. These feelings are still relevant though. I am not ungrateful but I want to show that wherever you are in your journey things are hard.
It’s 12:47 on Tuesday 12th January, my 7 week scan is just three days away. I saw my GP about 10 days ago to confirm my pregnancy and was advised to ring for an appointment with a midwife the first week of February. I haven’t had my 7 week scan and I haven’t had my booking-in appointment with a midwife yet, however I’ve already been talked to about gestational diabetes. I am well aware that during/after our first cycle of treatment back in June/July 2015 I put about 2st of the 4st I lost back on. I lost about 7lbs of this before starting our FET cycle in November 2015. I have just weighed myself and it confirmed what I already knew. I have put on the other 2st through this medicated FET. I am now the same weight I was before we got our IVF referral. This scares me. Im also really mad at myself which is silly really because I lost that weight so we could have a chance at having a baby, I achieved that dream, I’m having our baby. I should feel happy I made a difference but instead all I can focus on is how I’m back to being a uk size 20. I now have a BMI of 38.5 which means I am once again classed as obese. There is a common theme within all pregnancy books, blogs etc that I have read. That is that obese mothers are high risk and you have to be careful not to put on too much weight. For a BMI over 30 the suggested amount is 11-20lbs over the whole pregnancy! That amount is the suggested amount to gain by the end of pregnancy (ie approximately 2 to 3lbs per month in your second and third trimesters) for those with a BMI of 25-30.
At my appointment with my GP, she mentioned in passing that my high BMI, IVF & Epilepsy means I am basically classed as a high risk pregnancy under three headings. That’s really scary. I worked so hard to lose this weight & with all the IVF medications it’s come back. Not only that but I’m being told my weight puts me & my baby at risk. I saw that number on the scale and I cried. I cried and I cried. I worked so hard for this baby and yet here I am feeling like I have failed them. I’m currently only 6weeks 4days pregnant. I’m not supposed to be worried about gestational diabetes or pre-eclampsia. I’m not supposed to feel like I’m failing my baby ever, let alone in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I’m supposed to be filled with happiness. Instead here I am feeling awful about myself. I’m craving vegetables & salads. I’m limiting my intake of fizzy drinks, caffeine and beige food as much as I can. I’m trying to make sure I walk at least a little each day to get a bit of exercise, even if it’s just around the house. I want the best for my baby, now I’m worried I’m not the best for my baby.
Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum x