I’m Not Crazy…Am I?

I’ve really been struggling with my mental health the last few weeks. I haven’t told anyone until this past week when I confessed to my husband. He said I sounded silly and not to be crazy which made me internalise more. I’ve tried to shove those thoughts away, telling myself to just focus on other things yet they come creeping back. It doesn’t matter how often or who tells me the thoughts aren’t real I can’t fully shake them. I know they aren’t real and yet at times I don’t. Continue reading

Mothering Sunday 2016.

Well here we are again, the day that so many of us in the trying to conceive community dread. Otherwise known as Mothering Sunday aka Mother’s Day. I am feeling emotional but for different reasons than in previous years!

Last year (and the two previous) like so many other women struggling to have that much wanted baby, I wished that this would be the year I would either be pregnant or be holding my baby in my arms. My wish came true. I am currently 14weeks pregnant and this is my last Mother’s Day without a child to hug. It’s emotional. I thought that being pregnant would make this day easier and things would be different but the reality is the scars of our trying to conceive journey run deep. I spent most of the day feeling as though I still wasn’t part of the mum club. I am pregnant but not a mum yet, I was told that I was a mum-to-be, but carrying my child didn’t cut it. Despite fighting so hard to be here I don’t feel like I fully belong in either camp ie the trying to conceive camp or the mum camp. I cried this morning because I never fully believed when I made that wish last year, it would come true, after all it hadn’t the previous two years! I’m carrying my child to me that makes me a mum, from the moment embryo Boba was transferred I became a mum! So why can’t I enjoy this day? There is no doubt in my mind I will always find today somewhat hard. After all that we have been through I will forever be grateful for our Boba, but it doesn’t mean I will forget how it feels to not be able to celebrate Mother’s Day. As I said before the infertility scars run deep.

I’ll finish this blog with the post I shared on my Facebook today. Take care today ladies, I’ll forever have your back!

    

Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum xx

A Very Special Day.

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Four years ago today I went on my first date with my now husband. After our date we sat on a bench in a park whilst the sun set, watching people in a hotel bar and making up our own versions of what they were saying. It was at this time Ian asked me to be his girlfriend. Fast forward to present day and we’ve been through some real shit storms but we’re stronger than ever. Not only are we stronger but we’re spending our four year anniversary going out for a lovely lunch then we’re going to see our IVF miracle baby on a screen. Honestly I couldn’t wish for a better way to spend our anniversary. This time last year we had got the news that I had lost enough weight and were just waiting on our referral to the IVF clinic to go through. I would never have imagined where we’d be a year on. Anyway I’m logging off now but will finish the post later after our scan. See you on the other side! Continue reading

Nerves.

Once again I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve promised myself that I’ll try to blog at least once a week from now on, hopefully I can stick to it!

Today I am three days away from our Nuchal Dating (12 week) scan. I’ll be 13weeks and 6days at that point which means we should definitely hear Boba’s heartbeat and see them really clearly. Which is good because in all honesty I’ve had trouble deciphering our previous scans! This time last week I was really excited about our scan and yet now I’m nervous. Continue reading