I’m Not Crazy…Am I?

I’ve really been struggling with my mental health the last few weeks. I haven’t told anyone until this past week when I confessed to my husband. He said I sounded silly and not to be crazy which made me internalise more. I’ve tried to shove those thoughts away, telling myself to just focus on other things yet they come creeping back. It doesn’t matter how often or who tells me the thoughts aren’t real I can’t fully shake them. I know they aren’t real and yet at times I don’t.

I’m not pregnant. Or at least that’s what my brain is telling me. It’s why I haven’t got a bump, cravings, nausea or seen many doctors. It’s all some elaborate hoax. The ultrasounds have all just been videos ready loaded on the machines. People want me to believe I’m pregnant. I’m just fat and delusional. Good stuff doesn’t happen to me and I’m being manipulated. All to see how I cope. I’ll go in to have my baby and they’ll say I need an emergency cesearean, when I wake up they’ll say my baby didn’t make it.

So there you go, this is what I’m battling at the moment. I want to reassure readers that I have sought help from doctors. I’m not being put on any medications because I’ve not had good interaction with my Epilepsy medications, add in pregnancy and they don’t want to fuck with my brain chemistry any more than necessary. The doctor has reassured me that because (for want of better words) I know these thoughts sound outlandish and I dont fully believe them that I am fighting a good battle. It is all because of (newly diagnosed) antenatal depression and my anxiety disorder all mixed up with hormones then  manifesting in these thoughts. We never thought we would have a child, I never thought I’d be pregnant so my brain is anxious and wanting to protect me. It’s doing it wrong but then again it does have faulty wiring (aka Epilepsy) so it’s doing it’s best. I’ve been reassured by professionals that I seem as though I’m on my way out of this dark period. I know my thoughts sound “crazy” and that’s half the battle, not listening or believing them! I’ve also been told that this will not affect their view of me as a mother, I’m still a safe person and baby will be fine. I just need to let myself believe in reality and let go of some of my anxiety. I know after long periods trying to conceive or IVF it’s quite common not to fully believe that pregnancy is real. I’ve been reassured I am pregnant and encouraged to start doing things to help my brain realise this is the reality. Sort of CBT exercise. Something I’ve had a lot of experience with. So this weekend we’re starting on painting our nursery, after all you can’t have a nursery if you aren’t having a baby can you?

I’m doing better than I was but I’m still not 100% comfortable talking about my pregnancy. So to those who asked how I am, I’m sorry I didn’t open up. I didn’t want to feel crazy, let alone be thought of as crazy. I think some of you noticed how quickly I have been shutting down talk about my pregnancy, choosing rather to talk about your journeys or my battle with hospital to get appointments. It’s going to take some time but I’ll get there. I’m sure our 20wk scan in four weeks will help too. For now I’m taking each day as it comes. Shutting down those thoughts and letting myself look at little bits of clothes we’ve already bought.

I’m not crazy, I just lost reality.

Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum


6 thoughts on “I’m Not Crazy…Am I?

  1. ivfkeyboardtherapy says:

    Aw mate, You are most certainly not crazy! My anxiety & depression is hugely amplified whilst I’m taking progesterone during my Ivf cycles. It’s ridiculous my brain and the bat shit crazy thoughts. It often makes me put my whole life on hold as I have no courage or strength to do everyday tasks including my job. I totally feel your pain and I truly hope you are doing ok. You are dealing with so many hormones and I think writing on your blog is certainly a great way to get some of the thoughts out of your brain. Take care of you and hugs and strength xxx🌺🌟❤️

    • HopeEpiMum says:

      Thanks so much for reaching out lovely, I really appreciate it although I’m sorry you know what fighting against yourself/anxiety is like! I definitely find that, as hard as it, doing something each day helps. Even just sitting in the park by my house for 10minutes. Or letting myself look at baby things online. Everyone gets anxious about having a baby & when going through IVF the hormones don’t help! xx

      • ivfkeyboardtherapy says:

        Sitting in a park for 10 is a great idea, being outside definitely helps for sure. Hugs and strength to you, one day at a time mate. Big huge hugs from me during your journey – You got this girl ! xxx 🌟🌺

  2. L and D says:

    I don’t suffer from anxiety so don’t really have any idea, but after going through ivf I still found it really hard to convince myself it was actually real! I wasn’t sick at all (not even feeling a teeny bit sick), didn’t have any bump for ages. I have found that feeling baby kick properly (from about week 21 for me, from probably week 17 or 18 wks I felt “things” but my brain could easily convince me that it was just my stomach or something else) but from about week 21 They were stronger and more kick like and less explainable by other things which really helped me. Xx

  3. mum100blog says:

    Thanks for your post, so important to express what you’re feeling. I’ve certainly found my brain to a wonderful, yet highly mysterious, organ! It definitely tries to protect me – but comes up with some creative ways of doing that, not all of which I immediately understand. You are doing great – just keep sharing the stuff that doesn’t make sense, and then it all will. Thanks for the hope you share too – for yourself and other people going through this. x

  4. Empty Mamma says:

    I am sorry to hear that your husband dismissed your feelings like that. I live abroad and have interactions with people from all round the world, and as a fellow Brit I have to say that there is something about our culture that compels us to dismiss negative feelings and opinions. It creates cognitive dissonance and makes it harder for us to trust our own thoughts and feelings, and work through them.

    However, it’s really great that you are getting support from professionals.

    I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy journey, and an easy delivery.

    If you are interested, I have my own blog at theemptywomb.blog.com and you can follow me at @emptymamma.


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