I’ve really been struggling with my mental health the last few weeks. I haven’t told anyone until this past week when I confessed to my husband. He said I sounded silly and not to be crazy which made me internalise more. I’ve tried to shove those thoughts away, telling myself to just focus on other things yet they come creeping back. It doesn’t matter how often or who tells me the thoughts aren’t real I can’t fully shake them. I know they aren’t real and yet at times I don’t.
I’m not pregnant. Or at least that’s what my brain is telling me. It’s why I haven’t got a bump, cravings, nausea or seen many doctors. It’s all some elaborate hoax. The ultrasounds have all just been videos ready loaded on the machines. People want me to believe I’m pregnant. I’m just fat and delusional. Good stuff doesn’t happen to me and I’m being manipulated. All to see how I cope. I’ll go in to have my baby and they’ll say I need an emergency cesearean, when I wake up they’ll say my baby didn’t make it.
So there you go, this is what I’m battling at the moment. I want to reassure readers that I have sought help from doctors. I’m not being put on any medications because I’ve not had good interaction with my Epilepsy medications, add in pregnancy and they don’t want to fuck with my brain chemistry any more than necessary. The doctor has reassured me that because (for want of better words) I know these thoughts sound outlandish and I dont fully believe them that I am fighting a good battle. It is all because of (newly diagnosed) antenatal depression and my anxiety disorder all mixed up with hormones then manifesting in these thoughts. We never thought we would have a child, I never thought I’d be pregnant so my brain is anxious and wanting to protect me. It’s doing it wrong but then again it does have faulty wiring (aka Epilepsy) so it’s doing it’s best. I’ve been reassured by professionals that I seem as though I’m on my way out of this dark period. I know my thoughts sound “crazy” and that’s half the battle, not listening or believing them! I’ve also been told that this will not affect their view of me as a mother, I’m still a safe person and baby will be fine. I just need to let myself believe in reality and let go of some of my anxiety. I know after long periods trying to conceive or IVF it’s quite common not to fully believe that pregnancy is real. I’ve been reassured I am pregnant and encouraged to start doing things to help my brain realise this is the reality. Sort of CBT exercise. Something I’ve had a lot of experience with. So this weekend we’re starting on painting our nursery, after all you can’t have a nursery if you aren’t having a baby can you?
I’m doing better than I was but I’m still not 100% comfortable talking about my pregnancy. So to those who asked how I am, I’m sorry I didn’t open up. I didn’t want to feel crazy, let alone be thought of as crazy. I think some of you noticed how quickly I have been shutting down talk about my pregnancy, choosing rather to talk about your journeys or my battle with hospital to get appointments. It’s going to take some time but I’ll get there. I’m sure our 20wk scan in four weeks will help too. For now I’m taking each day as it comes. Shutting down those thoughts and letting myself look at little bits of clothes we’ve already bought.
I’m not crazy, I just lost reality.
Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum