Catch Up, 16-20 Week of Pregnancy.

I’m back….I think. I’m aiming to be blogging regularly again (how many times have I said this) but as my life is so unpredictable right now who knows what will happen. The last time I properly blogged I was about 15weeks pregnant and admitted to be struggling with anxiety as well as accepting my pregnancy was very much real. I’m glad to say things have dramatically improved. I still have my anxiety and battle it everyday but the CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) devices I was told to try have really helped to accept my reality. And now the big catch up begins. I’ll blog right up until our twenty week scan, that deserves it’s own post! Continue reading

Ambulance Ride and MAU Visit.

So yesterday was, eventful. That is being kind it was damn emotional. I got taken to hospital last night via ambulance. I hate having to go to hospital let alone by ambulance. They are a big stress trigger which means I have lots of absence seizures and then when they wheel you in on that bed all you can feel is eyes staring at you. I hate the way people look at you. Anyway I’m getting off track. I started feeling very unwell about 5pm. My feet seemed to suddenly swell up, I had abdominal pain, nausea and I had felt no movement from baby all day. I rang NHS 11 to seek advice, Continue reading

Sorry.

I think I may be the worst blogger. I love writing but I struggle to post on here consistently. It’s been thirty six days since my last post. Thirty six days. That’s not right. I’m sorry. So much has happened & yet once again I’ve failed to offload in my safe place. I will either do backdated blog posts or one big catch up blog post over the next few weeks. Although in all honesty they will probably be short little posts because my memory is so bad I can barely remember yesterday let alone the last thirty six days!

So yes, sorry dear readers I’ve let you down. In the meantime if you want to get in touch your best bet is to find me on Twitter with my username being @HopeEpiMum

Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum xx

I’m Not Crazy…Am I?

I’ve really been struggling with my mental health the last few weeks. I haven’t told anyone until this past week when I confessed to my husband. He said I sounded silly and not to be crazy which made me internalise more. I’ve tried to shove those thoughts away, telling myself to just focus on other things yet they come creeping back. It doesn’t matter how often or who tells me the thoughts aren’t real I can’t fully shake them. I know they aren’t real and yet at times I don’t. Continue reading

Mothering Sunday 2016.

Well here we are again, the day that so many of us in the trying to conceive community dread. Otherwise known as Mothering Sunday aka Mother’s Day. I am feeling emotional but for different reasons than in previous years!

Last year (and the two previous) like so many other women struggling to have that much wanted baby, I wished that this would be the year I would either be pregnant or be holding my baby in my arms. My wish came true. I am currently 14weeks pregnant and this is my last Mother’s Day without a child to hug. It’s emotional. I thought that being pregnant would make this day easier and things would be different but the reality is the scars of our trying to conceive journey run deep. I spent most of the day feeling as though I still wasn’t part of the mum club. I am pregnant but not a mum yet, I was told that I was a mum-to-be, but carrying my child didn’t cut it. Despite fighting so hard to be here I don’t feel like I fully belong in either camp ie the trying to conceive camp or the mum camp. I cried this morning because I never fully believed when I made that wish last year, it would come true, after all it hadn’t the previous two years! I’m carrying my child to me that makes me a mum, from the moment embryo Boba was transferred I became a mum! So why can’t I enjoy this day? There is no doubt in my mind I will always find today somewhat hard. After all that we have been through I will forever be grateful for our Boba, but it doesn’t mean I will forget how it feels to not be able to celebrate Mother’s Day. As I said before the infertility scars run deep.

I’ll finish this blog with the post I shared on my Facebook today. Take care today ladies, I’ll forever have your back!

    

Blog/Tweet soon @HopeEpiMum xx

A Very Special Day.

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Four years ago today I went on my first date with my now husband. After our date we sat on a bench in a park whilst the sun set, watching people in a hotel bar and making up our own versions of what they were saying. It was at this time Ian asked me to be his girlfriend. Fast forward to present day and we’ve been through some real shit storms but we’re stronger than ever. Not only are we stronger but we’re spending our four year anniversary going out for a lovely lunch then we’re going to see our IVF miracle baby on a screen. Honestly I couldn’t wish for a better way to spend our anniversary. This time last year we had got the news that I had lost enough weight and were just waiting on our referral to the IVF clinic to go through. I would never have imagined where we’d be a year on. Anyway I’m logging off now but will finish the post later after our scan. See you on the other side! Continue reading

Nerves.

Once again I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve promised myself that I’ll try to blog at least once a week from now on, hopefully I can stick to it!

Today I am three days away from our Nuchal Dating (12 week) scan. I’ll be 13weeks and 6days at that point which means we should definitely hear Boba’s heartbeat and see them really clearly. Which is good because in all honesty I’ve had trouble deciphering our previous scans! This time last week I was really excited about our scan and yet now I’m nervous. Continue reading

Epilepsy Check Up.

Well it’s been a week full of appointments and hospital visits! On Tuesday I had the EPU scan, on Thursday it was the midwife booking appointment and today ie Friday I had my Epilepsy check up appointment. Two hospitals and three different departments in four days, it’s been a wild week.

My papa and I set a new record for waiting time for my Neuro clinic today. We were only 45minutes behind! Usually the wait is upward of an hour so today was a good day. Turns out it was a double good day as my appointment was short and sweet too. My neurologist has decided Continue reading

Booking In.

Well today was another milestone in our baby journey! We had our booking in appointment with a midwife today. After we get all booked in I will be referred to the Neuro Antenatal Clinic,which I mentioned briefly in the last paragraph of this post. The Neuro Antenatal Clinic has consultant lead care and midwife who have more than basic understanding of neurological conditions. As someone with Epilepsy I can’t express how amazing this is. To know that I’ll be able to talk about my Epilepsy and seizure types without having to explain everything I’m saying, which happens more than I’d like!

After waiting twenty minutes, with the need to pee ever increasing, we got called in. Continue reading

A Sigh of Relief.

Today was the day of our Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) scan. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t get the time off work at such short notice so he was feeling even more angsty about what the appointment would hold. Luckily I didn’t have to go alone (not sure I ciudad have handled that to be honest) my mum used some of her work flexi time to come with me. There was a bit of a wait before I got called in, which didn’t help with the nerves especially as there were a few pregnant women there with young children who were running around without a care in the world. I found myself praying that I would never have to be back in this room and that in a few years we would have a toddler running about without a care in the world. Continue reading