I’m Not Crazy…Am I?

I’ve really been struggling with my mental health the last few weeks. I haven’t told anyone until this past week when I confessed to my husband. He said I sounded silly and not to be crazy which made me internalise more. I’ve tried to shove those thoughts away, telling myself to just focus on other things yet they come creeping back. It doesn’t matter how often or who tells me the thoughts aren’t real I can’t fully shake them. I know they aren’t real and yet at times I don’t.

Nerves.

Once again I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve promised myself that I’ll try to blog at least once a week from now on, hopefully I can stick to it!

Today I am three days away from our Nuchal Dating (12 week) scan. I’ll be 13weeks and 6days at that point which means we should definitely hear Boba’s heartbeat and see them really clearly. Which is good because in all honesty I’ve had trouble deciphering our previous scans! This time last week I was really excited about our scan and yet now I’m nervous.

A Sigh of Relief.

Today was the day of our Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) scan. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t get the time off work at such short notice so he was feeling even more angsty about what the appointment would hold. Luckily I didn’t have to go alone (not sure I ciudad have handled that to be honest) my mum used some of her work flexi time to come with me. There was a bit of a wait before I got called in, which didn’t help with the nerves especially as there were a few pregnant women there with young children who were running around without a care in the world. I found myself praying that I would never have to be back in this room and that in a few years we would have a toddler running about without a care in the world.

An Endless Evening.

Today I am 9weeks pregnant and this evening has felt endless. From about five o’clock I had strong cramps. My husband was going out for drinks with work friends so although I was in discomfort I told him to go ahead with his plans. I held out for a while before I texted to say it was too much but I got no reply. I rang my Mother-In-Law to ask where the nearest walk in centre was, halfway through I burst into tears. My cramps weren’t stopping and I had noticed some spotting when I went to the toilet. My Mother-In-Law was amazing, telling me she would be round ASAP and told me to just relax whilst she contacted my husband. About 45 minutes later my Mother-In-Law arrived and told me to get in the car because we were going to the emergency gynocology department & early pregnancy unit (EPU) at a local hospital. I was so grateful, we picked up my husband from the train station and made the journey to the hospital.

BFP and Early Weight Worries.

Once again this is a backdated blog, written before we announced our BFP. These feelings are still relevant though. I am not ungrateful but I want to show that wherever you are in your journey things are hard.

It’s 12:47 on Tuesday 12th January, my 7 week scan is just three days away. I saw my GP about 10 days ago to confirm my pregnancy and was advised to ring for an appointment with a midwife the first week of February. I haven’t had my 7 week scan and I haven’t had my booking-in appointment with a midwife yet, however I’ve already been talked to about gestational diabetes.

FET #1: Lining Scan.

Yesterday I had a scan to check the thickness of my womb lining, I know I get all the fun! At this point it was my 30th day of Buserelin injections and my 12th day of taking the Progynova tablets (of which there are three a day). The sideffects of both are really catching up with me now. Whilst the headaches and dehydration have settled down, the sleep disturbances and nausea are still kicking my butt. Ever since my prolonged absence seizure, I’ve been in a funk. The huge amount of positivity I had for this FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle just vanished when that seizure came along. For just over a week now I have been feeling so low and could not seem to pull myself out of the well of negativity. That was until yesterday, when I got handed a ladder in the form of my womb lining!

NFAW: Supporting The Men Webinar.

Last night the charity Infertility Network UK along with Russell Davis of The Fertile Mind hosted a web seminar (webinar if you will) titled “Supporting The Men”. It was focused around men, how they feel, what support they need and how their emotions differ. My husband and I decided to sign up to watch. I was surprised my husband agreed in all honesty but I’m glad he did because it was actually really helpful. Before I get into the seminar itself I realise that some of the things can be quite generalised and stereotypical but are still relevant. I’m afraid this post focuses more on a heterosexual couple struggling with infertility and going through IVF.

UK National Fertility Awareness Week.

Today marks the start of National  Fertility Awareness Week here in the UK. All this week I am sharing facts and personal stories on my Instagram (LottieHope) my Twitter account (@HopeEpiMum ) and my Facebook account. Here in the UK one in six couples struggle with fertility issues. This week is about raising awareness and helping get rid of some of that stigma/taboo that surrounds infertility. I stand proudly and wear my IVF badge with pride, this is part of me and I will not be silenced or ashamed of that. I will be blogging as much as I can this week, especially as it coincides with my starting week of our FET.

Age.

Age is just a number, or so the saying goes. Age is a huge talking point with IVF. The NHS funding has an upper age limit for IVF of 40 years old for the female partner. The media talks about how “women are putting off” having children hence a rise in IVF numbers. Infertility affects people of all ages. A woman with fertility issues at 23 years old will have the same issues at 33years old. Yet this isn’t talked about. Younger women ie those in their mid twenties, going through fertility treatment are often looked down on or dismissed. I myself have been told by people within the trying to conceive community that I am “just a young’un” and that I have “plenty of time”.

The Luckiest Unlucky Person.

This has long been a running joke in my family. They say I am the world’s luckiest unlucky person. I often win competitions I forget I’ve even entered. These prizes have ranged from a new TV to tickets to local events to most recently a Zita West fertility vitamin starter pack. I never seem to win completions that I really want to win, such as holiday ones. Still I am consistently lucky and my mum has taken to asking if I’ve won any compeitions ecah week. I however also suffer the worst luck in that worst case scenarios often are the only scenarios I experience. Nothing is straight forward or easy in my life. In that sense I am consistently unlucky.